Cravings
by becky01
Summary: After her first encounter with Viola/Cesario, Olivia wries him a letter. Or tries to anyway. Olivia/Cesario could be Olivia/Viola.


A/N This is a prompt at the end of my copy of Twelfth Night, Olivia writes to Cesario after their first encounter. Not Beta'd so any mistakes are mine. Also I kind of thought that Olivia always knew deep inside that Cesario was a girl so I've tried to put that across here.

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_My Dear Cesario,_

_I know you may consider this letter a grave offence to propriety, but my heart will not be stilled. I love you, sweet Cesario, _

No. A youth such as he will simply be scared by such declarations of affection. I must restrain myself from such boldness though my heart wills it, no demands it of me.

_Master Cesario_

_Your bold conduct at my home today has found you a warm champion. I would that you visit me carrying not the sentiments of your Lord, but those of your own feelings, for I warrant they would be better received than the puppeted words you offered me earlier._

Indeed that is not right either, for now I sound as though I am displeased with him, a feat which I could never manage with conviction.

Oh Cesario, why must you court me on behalf of another? I wish with every breath that it was your own heart you spoke from not your Lord's. I find myself in love with a puppet, a beauteous puppet, but one whose strings lie with Orsino, who will never cease to hunt me.

I cannot understand my rejection of him, if I am to speak the truth. He is, by word, noble, kind, courteous and certainly dedicated. His features are pleasing to many women, or so my gentlewoman, Maria, tells me. He is the handsomest man in Illyria to her eye, but to me such rugged features pale beside the delicacy I see in Cesario.

_Master Cesario_

_I write to you now to emphasize the sentiments I expressed to you this morning. I will not hear the suit of the Duke Orsino again, although I am disposed to hear your suit instead._

Now I simply repeat myself! What has love done to me that I may not compose a simple letter?

I would that I were stripped of my fortune and title. I would that my beauty were ripped from my face and cast asunder, my virtue dashed to pieces, my body disfigured in the cruelest manner the almighty can devise, if it would dissuade Orsino from such an ill advised quest! To capture my heart is a task beyond his abilities, though I have tried (Jove knows I have tried!) to set myself to love him. To wed him would be to gain wealth and status, to be the first lady of Illyria, and live a life of comfort and luxury beside a man who loves me near to distraction (or who claims to, what to make of such a declaration I know not).

Yet instead I am drawn to a servant, a youth at that, who has little prospect and less fortune. The logic of this love fails me, as I find myself drawn closer to the gentle curve of his lips, the dark waves of his hair beneath his cap, the hands, so slightly drawn, that pen such beautiful words. The slender neck, the curve of his leg beneath his hose, such thoughts are so wrong yet I cannot bring myself to deny them. It is Blasphemy to make such an idol out of man, yet I would that the almighty created him to be perfectly suited to my desires

I am shocked at myself, in truth. I have been willing to cast aside my honour and reputation for this man. Such foolery as sending after him Malvolio with my ring! What recklessness possessed me? For all he needed say was that he gave no such ring and I would have been ruined. By insisting that I took the ring from him he saves me from condemnation. Surely such a gesture must be a sign of his affections for me, or certainly of his chivalrous nature, a nature no woman can deny. Indeed, a nature designed to be of such irresistibility to a woman I would swear it was designed by a woman to appeal to our senses.

And to fall in love so soon after my brother's death is surely a sign of my ruination. What proper lady would give out her affections whilst in mourning for one as beloved to her as my brother was to me? Is this not a sure sign that I am lost to wantonness?

But then Cesario's sweet face arises in my mind once more, banishing guilt and replacing it with hope.

_Dear Cesario_

_First and foremost, I must apologise for my conduct in sending my steward after you with my ring. It was most immodest, and I must thank you for not exposing my deception. Your actions today have placed me forever in your debt. My reputation and my virtue are in your hands. _

_I wish you to know the hand of welcome will forever be outstretched to you from my home._

_Your friend (if I may call such a recent acquaintance by that name)_

_Lady Olivia_

I seal the letter and bid Malvolio to deliver it before my resolve fails me again. Cesario must know of my feelings, I cannot bear it otherwise.

Oh I am damned indeed to crave such love. But I will not be damned alone.


End file.
